General Mills clears shelves of Michael Phelps’ Wheaties boxes after DUI arrest


The soon to be collector's item Wheaties box features the drunken Olympian's misspelled autograph

General Mills Chief Director of marketing Lawrence Kavers realized something may have been amiss when a disheveled Michael Phelps arrived at last month’s photo shoot stinking of stale malt liquor and fresh vomit.

“He was acting very peculiar towards the staff; overly touchy-feely with the women and rather belligerent toward the men.  He was sipping from a paper bagged bottle he claimed was an electrolyte drink.  Occasionally he would take a large guzzle, burp loudly and blurt out ‘The breakfast of champions!’, it was very disturbing.” Kavers recounted.  Despite the red flag they decided to proceed with the chaotic photo shoot.

“We didn’t have much of a choice you see Phelps was a last minute replacement. Originally the endorsement had been awarded to Ray Rice but when the story of the casino indiscretion broke we had to scramble. “Kavers explained.  “We figured we couldn’t go wrong with Michael, he’s already adorned two best-selling boxes in the past and for Christ sake’s he’s won 18 gold medals who could possibly object to him?”

Baltimore authorities might have an opinion on that after the legendary Olympic swimmer was pulled over for driving twice the legal speed limit and arrested for DUI after failing field sobriety tests early Tuesday.

However Phelps fan Jimmy Shales is grateful he was able to snatch up his special edition Wheaties  before the million box recall because he is certain it will become a collector’s item. “You could tell he was pretty trashed when they took this picture, I mean look at his autograph, he even misspelled his own name.” Mr. Shales points out.  When asked if he thinks Michael Phelps is an appropriate spokesperson for the wholesome brand he shrugs. “Hey some people drown themselves in alcohol; at least Phelps swims in it.”


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