God pulls Stephen Collins’ card


While millions of fans of Seventh Heaven (the iconic television show that celebrated family values) were shocked at the unfolding child molestation scandal involving Stephen Collins who played family patriarch Reverend Eric Camden; the almighty God wasn’t one of them.  In fact God was instrumental in exposing Collins by leaking his audio-taped confession.

“Yeah okay I did it; it wasn’t the ex-wife who dropped the tape on TMZ’s lap.  Faye Grant didn’t want to tarnish the brand but she wanted Collins to know that she could; for her it was just a bargaining chip, for me it was a way of expressing my righteous indignation without dropping a building on him.”  God admitted from his ethereal dwelling in an interview conducted via Skype.

“You know I’m all-seeing and all-knowing and every time the UP channel runs a Seventh Heaven marathon I’m right there for every second of it.  I’m forced to watch Collins hugging up on little Lucy and the early maturing Mary for 200 hundred plus episodes knowing he was nursing a chubby in his pants the whole time, that’s what that freaking pedophile calls uplifting entertainment.   I couldn’t take it anymore.” God explained.  Outwardly God still appears to humans as Morgan Freeman after the actor’s portrayal of him in Bruce Almighty stuck in the global consciousness.  When asked why he chose to intervene against Collins when so much horror goes unchecked around the world God grew agitated.

“Check your bible son!  I have always been a wrathful, avenging God.  I have smote the ungodly with plague, pestilence, flood and fire from heaven since the infancy of mankind!”  God smashed his fist on a desk carved out of mountaintop.  It crumbled into a pile of pebbles and dust at his feet.  He regained his composure and appeared somewhat embarrassed.  “Come on everybody knows 2,000 years ago I gave my son the keys to the kingdom of heaven.  I was feeling burnt out and he came up with a solid business plan and I approved it so now I have to stand by my decision.  Your lord Jesus chose to give you free will on this mortal plane, the choice of salvation is your own to make, you receive your reward or your due upon the Day of Judgment.  I guess it makes sense but I’m old school, I want to come see you myself and fuck you up if you’re acting like an asshole towards my beloved creations.”

But why did God choose to intervene against Stephen Collins’ transgressions and none other throughout the last two milennia?

“Who says I haven’t!” God bellows but quickly shushes himself while he looks over his shoulder. “Hey let’s keep it down.  He’ll put me in a home if he knows what I’ve been up to and trust me it’s not like the one your parents are in.  My consciousness will be spread equally among every atom across the cosmos until I am no more, I will never be seen or heard from again by my Earthly children.  Well maybe it is like where your parents are.  Anyway I do what I can with the small stuff.  Come on how do you think a cell door gets mysteriously unlocked and Bernie Maddoff gets savagely raped by an entire cell block?”  God confided.  “The big global horrible shit is out of my hands, any funny business with that and my son notices and takes me out.”

Unsatisfied this reporter pressed God again and asked, why did Stephen Collins incite his Godly wrath so much? He looked at me for a long moment before answering.

“God hates a hypocrite.”  He said shrugging his shoulders.



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