Hans and Franz Try to Pump Up Flat-Tire Electorate

Given an electorate that has repeatedly shown in recent polls to prefer having root canal work performed by a rabid gorilla over voting for any current political candidate, it is no surprise that popular Hans and Franz have been pulled out by both parties in a last ditch marketing effort to get out the vote.

Hans and Franz, “Saturday Night Live” characters invented long ago by Dana Carvey and Kevin Nealon as a good-natured takeoff on Arnold Schwarzenegger, were for years unscrupulously used by shady characters to sell everything from “complete” toe fungus removal systems for parrots to a chain of Drive-Thru Lasik Surgical Clinics.

After thousands of dissatisfied parrots and eye patients sued and won, most of the illicit Hanz and Franz franchises were shut down, though Carvey and Nealon  still do commercials for State Farm Insurance and their own “Pump You Up!” Tire-Inflation Kit sold everywhere, except at tire stores.

Hans and Franz have been especially useful in the campaign of former Providence Mayor and current mayoral candidate, Buddy Cianci, who has faced public humiliation and prison time, not to mention serious illness.

Said the always blunt Cianci: “I really wanted the Total Gym’s Chuck Norris and Christie Brinkley as a way to show I had a healthy campaign and body but those two were too busy partying with their Hollywood friends to take time for me.  So, as a last resort, I had to bring in Hans and Franz who both have toupees uglier than mine, by the way.  I finally gave up on my own “squirrel head” and mounted it next to the deer heads on my basement wall.  I actually shot that ugly thing before I mounted it!”

Hans and Franz’s PR agency announced that the two would spend Election Day making paella on a “very special” “Rachael Ray Show” when they would nonchalantly drop candidates’ names while adding ingredients.

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