Terrorist army ISIS bows to pressure from ancient goddess and agrees to change acronym to ISIL

ISIS (2)

After ignoring several court orders to cease and desist the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria avoided annihilation by changing their organization’s name when the usually nurturing Goddess Isis threatened to bring down the wrath of the entire Egyptian pantheon of Gods upon their hooded heads.  However the Islamic militants were quick to deny their name change had anything to do with the Goddess’ demands.

“We are deaf to the voice of the female creature who is not of the flesh.  She and her kind are worse than infidel; they claim to be divine when there is but one true god, Allah.  These creatures will burn in the seven hells for their blasphemy and beg for a forgiveness that never comes. “The nameless, hooded spokes-person of the Islamic State ranted but before signing off he made sure to add,  “Okay just to reiterate we will no longer be referred to as ISIS, ISIL will do just fine.  You got that?  We are  ISIS no more, we are ISIL from now on.  Hey all you print journalists why don’t you just make that tomorrow’s headline in big, fat, bold letters.   Do not call us ISIS., ever okay?   Make sure you get that part of the message out there guys.”

Despite ISIL’s insistence that Isis had nothing to do with their decision it was hard to ignore the massive Egyptian elder god army gathered along The Nile facing the Iraqi/Syrian region.  Old familial beefs were set aside in support of their matriarch.  Ra, Horus and Set rode chariots side by side, waving hissing stiffened asps like swords.  Behind them the pharaohs of old were arisen with their legions of undead warriors.  In the river itself 50,000 crocodiles carried 10 times as many scorpions on their backs into battle at the bidding of their master and mistress  Sobek and Serqet.  Above them Shu the lord of the skies rode a massive dark cloud bursting with electric energy.  It was an army not witnessed by mankind in millennia.  Luckily for ISIL after their announcement Isis ordered her forces to stand down.

This flexing of ancient godly muscles did not go unnoticed in Washington’s corridors of power.  A drunken State Department official from the Office of Earthbound Deities just sober enough to request anonymity confirmed that the administration was following the situation closely.

“You people have no idea what’s really going on.  You don’t know how lucky we are that Native American gods are a reasonable bunch.  We let their people put casinos on the reservations and the Anasazi stay out of our way, retired in Shipolo or as I like to call it the happy hunting ground.  So what if it hurts Atlantic City and Vegas, big deal at least we don’t have to deal with what those Islamic State mother fuckers are in for.  Come on look at Greece, their economy collapsed because Mount Olympus wanted to celebrate Zeus’ fifty thousandth birthday with a decade long party.  Look at the fucking Norse gods, Loki got into the head of a crappy painter named Hitler and millions died.  Now all of sudden the Egyptian gods are interested in the affairs of the Middle East?  You’re damned right Obama’s paying attention.” The drunk official said as he ordered another bottle of 25 year old single malt, draining this reporter’s expense account like the Olympians drained Greek euros.  But the investment paid off because his tongue grew even looser.

“You know that Isis, she’s a crafty one.  She got a following in every government on the planet; God damn goddess worshiping sons of bitches, they creep me the hell out.”  When asked to elaborate he laughed bitterly.  “Hey a few thousand years ago Jesus and Allah came along and almost put an end to goddess worship.  How do you think we kept our broads barefoot and pregnant and out of public office for so long?   We placated the other gods just to get them out of our hair but that cunt Isis never left, she kept whispering in the ears of influential men throughout history with those beautiful lips of hers.  They’ve moved her agenda along all this time.  She was content to stay behind the scenes but now these Islamic State bastards wanna beat women over the head with clubs and drag them back to the prehistoric caves.  I don’t think she’s going to stand for that.  This could be the beginning of the end for the old boys club fellas.”

If there is a secret cabal of powerful men under the influence of the goddess Isis how could we ever identify them?

“These are extremely wealthy people of every color, creed and nationality.  They are at the top of every field; the arts, politics, media, technology and industry, you name it.   They probably only have one thing in common kid, they all love to eat pussy.”  He downed his drink, smiled and proceeded to pull out a .38 caliber revolver and blow his own brains out.


Later that day hell froze over, pigs flew and the majority of women think that size doesn’t matter; sure they do.


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