In what only can be described as a “New Normal” in politics, a number of bitter Election Night Losers have not let their losses deter them and have targeted opponents in new campaigns.
A spokesperson for Scott Brown, who lost the New Hampshire Senate race to Jeanne Shaheen, said Shaheen had “successfully” painted the candidate as a “carpetbagging, aging pretty-boy doofus from Massachusetts.whose train of thought usually didn’t quite make it back to the station!”
That spokesperson, Jeff Smith, who would only speak on the assurance of anonymity, said that with the election results in now, there was nothing to lose and the “gloves were off.”
“We could have taken the low road during the campaign, for example, saying Shaheen’s hairdo looked like it had been coiffed in a wind tunnel, or that there were two words Shaheen should seriously consider, ‘Jenny Craig,’ but we held back, mainly not to piss off women. Now, though, we’re in a great spot! Scott’s got more money than God and we have all kinds of things to say, going back to the last campaign with that shrewish schoolmarm, Liz Warren!”
“By the way, Scott owns houses in 23 states so our next campaign option is still wide open!”
John Wells, a spokesperson for Independent Greg Orman who lost the Kansas Senate race to Republican Pat Roberts, said his candidate had a new campaign ad in which Orman personally delivered flowers to the Kansas residence Roberts listed as his own to qualify for Kansas public office.
Not surprisingly, a teenager answers the door, casually munching on an apple, and says that the kid may know a “Pat Roberts” but maybe the kid has Roberts confused with “Pat Robertson,” the TV evangelist, who golfs with his dad.
Meanwhile, an extremely bitter Wendy Davis in Texas, is pondering how to address the “Third Rail of Politics,” her opponent’s wheelchair situation.
In a candid moment, Davis herself said she was “informally” running a few different ads through focus groups to see which ones would fly.
In a sign of just how removed Washington is from reality, winning candidate and still Speaker of the House, John Boehner of Ohio, didn’t know he had already won, since nobody had bothered to call him at his Vermont vacation home to tell him the good news.
Said Boehner: “First, I somehow got the 4th and 11th mixed up and thought the campaign still had a week to go, and just needed a break. So, I was out in the Vermont woods, smoking a Camel and downing some recently-tapped maple syrup, okay, maybe with a little whiskey mixed in, to celebrate God’s abundance, when my cell phone in my pants pocket started vibrating again and again. I thought it was another one of those robocalls from Hillary telling me to vote Democrat so I ignored it.”
“Turns out it was from my staff, telling me I’d won. Go figure, I’m living the dream!”
“The victory was sweet but frankly, that maple sugar, with the whiskey mixed in, was sweeter!”