Every Halloween as children, we have all ended up with that little pile of unwanted candies. The rejects, doomed to live out their lives at the very bottom of our candy bowls until our parents come across it in early spring the next year and finally send them on their miserable ways to the garbage dump. I am here to share with you the worst of the worst. Starting with the most terrible offender…
Who came up with this terrible idea? Does anyone like candy corn? Has anyone ever liked candy corn? The US alone produces approximately 35 million pounds of this junk each year. It tastes like sadness and depression from the 1880s, which coincidentally is when it was first invented. And if you are curious as to why it tastes so disgusting, think back to the last wedding you went to. Did you eat any of that thick icing on top of the cake, referred to as Fondant? Yeah, it’s in candy corn too. So is corn starch. Let’s just do everyone a favor and stop making these, yeah?
I really do not care how cute you make them look, or how well you disguise them, you are still handing out apples for a Halloween treat. Did you not learn from yesteryear, how apples were the worst idea because even if they looked perfectly ripe and delicious and covered in sugary goodness, our parents wont let us eat it anyways because they’ll be too worried about poison or razorblades stuck inside. You are wasting apples when they could be put to such good use, like in pies or apple crisp! Do everyone a favor, and leave this worst ever Halloween treat in your fruit bowl.
This may make sense as a Halloween treat option if you see the kid with a UNICEF box, but do they even do that nowadays anymore? And even still, at least toss in a candy or two instead of just weighing down the bag with something the kid will likely never use, since I am pretty sure pennies aren’t circulated much anymore, if at all.
Raisins are yummy, but are they truly a good Halloween treat? Not really. NO kids like getting raisins when trick or treating. Plus, the majority of the time, when you buy the bulk Halloween raisins they end up being on the wrong end of fresh. Not expired, but not fresh either. Which brings me to my next ‘treat’…
Last Years Leftovers
Ever find a little fun size chocolate bar floating around your place, and giddily open it up, only to find something like the above pic? Or worse yet, the chocolate has basically become dust? Nobody likes it when that happens. And they say candy never expires, BUT IT DOES….
Ever wonder what expired cotton candy looks like?
You are most welcome.
So, I am a parent and have gone on many many Halloween outings. I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that every time I saw these pains in the asses, I would rage internally and plot to next summer store eggs to rot and throw at that very house. Any parent knows that a jawbreaker is a surefire trip to the dentist, choking hazard, germ catcher, and sometimes, all of the above. It will eventually come down to me tackling my child to the ground and prying it from their hands because they care not for the consequences. If I see you giving my kid a jawbreaker, I WILL find you and break your jaw myself, because I like my kid alive, with all his teeth, and not sucking on a ball covered in grime and hair of unknown sources.