A zombie horde 10,000 strong gathered in front of the White House to protest America’s ingrained gun culture. Several thousand humans from various liberal groups also joined them in solidarity. A more accurate count of the human protesters was difficult to keep because of the zombies’ tendency to either eat them whole or snack on them just enough to infect them with the undead virus.
“Yesterday in Albuquerque, New Mexico 345 zombies were shot through the head, just for simply shambling down the street. Last night in Lexington, Kentucky 784 more were gunned down. This morning in Biloxi, Mississippi another 203; these were unarmed and slow moving individuals!” said an outraged Phil Secoya.
“This kind of wholesale slaughter is only possible because there are 90 guns for every 100 American citizens, that’s a total of 270 million registered firearms. The abundance of guns in this country is ridiculous. For Christ’s sake at this early stage of the zombie apocalypse there’s only about 50 zombies for every 100 Americans. It’s God damn overkill! This national love affair with guns is unheard of in the rest of the civilized world. In most European nations the police don’t even carry guns.” But when reminded that the United States has been unable to establish contact with any European authority since day 2 of the apocalypse Secoya refused to acknowledge a correlation.
Unfortunately the interview was cut short when several zombies pounced on Secoya and feasted on his face and torso. This reporter would have also fallen prey to rampaging zombies if not for the timely arrival of the D.C. area’s 5000 gun owners who immediately opened fire. The chorus of gunshots was deafening, and the spectacle of thousands of zombies being shot to pieces by ordinary citizens was unforgettable. A kindly AK-47 toting dentist handed me his extra assault rifle and I happily joined in the mayhem.
Besides North Korea (Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un nuked his entire populace from an underground bunker) It appears the United States may be the only nation not overrun by the zombie infestation and that is due entirely to our inexhaustible amount of guns and ammo. The once heated national debate over gun control appears to be all but over because as one NRA member put it, “ Hey even after we destroy every single zombie son of a bitch, if some crazy shit like this can happen who’s to say an alien invasion isn’t right around the corner.”
Who can argue with that logic says this reporter so praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.